A Daisy Thru Concrete
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Past Rambling13th January, 2007. 11:29 am.
I should be happy
As I look at my life, I know in my head that I should be elated at how things are going for me right now. The problem is that I am not. I cannot shake these feelings of sadness that surround me. I feel unfulfilled. I feel as if I too easily walked away from hopes and dreams of the past because they seemed too difficult to fight for at the time. I let go of people who meant so much to me because I was too prideful to admit my own failings or wrongdoings. I forgot the person I claimed to be and became different versions of myself to satisy others in my world.
I think this is what is known as regret. I never really felt this way. I always shrugged off these thoughts and told myself that there is no such thing as regret. "There are only lessons to be learned through life's experiences and our mistakes while living." I excused myself from accountability by shrouding it in philosophical meanderings.
The truth of the matter is that I have done things I regret. I sit here right now wishing I could take back so many things I have said and done wrong. Sleep is haunted by visions of those situations I could have changed...could have done better. Every happy ocassion is overshadowed by guilt and shame. Every new happy experience is coupled with an old sad memory.
How can I be happy now?
Even though I have been hurt in the past, how can I justify being the cause of someone else's pain? How can I justify giving up on relationships, especially when I have been abandoned so much myself? How can I be happy when I have been all the things I hate about other people?
I believe I truly have become someone special and continue to grow into an even lovelier person daily. But how? How do I make up for all the things I have done while getting here? How do I repair all the damage I caused along the way? Can I just call up those I wronged and apologize? Will they forgive me? Should they forgive me? Can I move past it if they don't? Will the guilt and shame be lifted if they do? Should I open old wounds? What if those I feel so badly about hurting no longer care about it now? If I approach them now, will I only be hurting them all over?
Happy? How can I be happy when these are the thoughts that envelope my brain? How? How can I be happy when I feel undeserving of the great things I have? How can I be happy in my accomplishments when my failures lie there as a reminder?
