A Daisy Thru Concrete
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Past Rambling13th January, 2007. 11:29 am.
I should be happy
As I look at my life, I know in my head that I should be elated at how things are going for me right now. The problem is that I am not. I cannot shake these feelings of sadness that surround me. I feel unfulfilled. I feel as if I too easily walked away from hopes and dreams of the past because they seemed too difficult to fight for at the time. I let go of people who meant so much to me because I was too prideful to admit my own failings or wrongdoings. I forgot the person I claimed to be and became different versions of myself to satisy others in my world.
I think this is what is known as regret. I never really felt this way. I always shrugged off these thoughts and told myself that there is no such thing as regret. "There are only lessons to be learned through life's experiences and our mistakes while living." I excused myself from accountability by shrouding it in philosophical meanderings.
The truth of the matter is that I have done things I regret. I sit here right now wishing I could take back so many things I have said and done wrong. Sleep is haunted by visions of those situations I could have changed...could have done better. Every happy ocassion is overshadowed by guilt and shame. Every new happy experience is coupled with an old sad memory.
How can I be happy now?
Even though I have been hurt in the past, how can I justify being the cause of someone else's pain? How can I justify giving up on relationships, especially when I have been abandoned so much myself? How can I be happy when I have been all the things I hate about other people?
I believe I truly have become someone special and continue to grow into an even lovelier person daily. But how? How do I make up for all the things I have done while getting here? How do I repair all the damage I caused along the way? Can I just call up those I wronged and apologize? Will they forgive me? Should they forgive me? Can I move past it if they don't? Will the guilt and shame be lifted if they do? Should I open old wounds? What if those I feel so badly about hurting no longer care about it now? If I approach them now, will I only be hurting them all over?
Happy? How can I be happy when these are the thoughts that envelope my brain? How? How can I be happy when I feel undeserving of the great things I have? How can I be happy in my accomplishments when my failures lie there as a reminder?
13th January, 2007. 2:15 pm.
Thoughts on paper
She was petite and somewhat thin, which was remarkable considering her rotund figure as an infant and child. Her hair was brown, long and wild; she could never find a way to tame its unruliness. Her eyes were steel blue - not blue and not gray, but a combination of the two that she found to be the most pleasing part of her outward appearance. Her cheeks were round (a reminder of her plumper days) and showed the slightest hint of pink. She wore little makeup, just enough to hide the imperfections or enhance the attributes she saw in herself. Quite frankly, she wasn't anything more than ordinary looking. If you passed her on the street, you probably wouldn't notice her and most people didn't. Those that did catch a glimpse of her noticed little, if anything, that would cause them to remember her even hours later. She seemed to just be another part of the scenery - there but not really visible or recognizable as anything important.
A man happened upon her one day while performing some mundane errands. At first, he walked by as most folk did. Something - some force - stopped him dead in his tracks. He turned and looked back. Drawn to her, he felt compelled to speak. He merely greeted her with a smile, a nod, and a friendly hello. Startled, she looked around her expecting to see someone else and then she looked at the man. He nodded again, as if to let her know that she was the intended receiver of his salutation. He smiled. It was a crooked smile and bared a hint of mischief. He was tall and had an average build. His hands bore the signs of hard work. Instantly, though, she was drawn to his eyes. They were mesmerizing and she found herself unable to look away. Timidly she replied with a greeting of sorts and a nod. He realized she did not smile. He worried that she may be offended by his forwardness, but then saw the truest, brightest smile he had ever seen. It did not happen upon her face, but in her eyes. He stood there as captivated by her as she was by him.
And so it goes every day...two seemingly ordinary people happen upon each other accidentally. To one another they are extraordinary for reasons unbeknownst to themselves quite yet. Fate has a plan and all they can do is follow along. There is a reason these two souls met, one that shall reveal itself in time. For now, though, they stand locked in a stare, unsure of the future, and enthralled in the beauty of one another's eyes.
